There’s you…and then there’s you.

Lord, heal me is the only legitimate prayer. — A Course in Miracles

I’ve gone on a deep dive (still diving) into my religious past. For those of you who don’t know, I was a “born-again” Christian, raised in a fundamentalist church. It was all Christian, all the time — and I was all in.

Quite frankly, it was easier to pray to God than develop a positive voice towards myself. Fundamentalists tend to think of themselves as horrible sinners, unworthy and if you’re a woman, you have the added bonus of being the problem that started it all (untrue but pervasive). Basically, you’re a sinful creature, saved by grace — and if you think of yourself as an amazing person, it’s the sin of pride, at the very least.

What a tragedy.

I made a commitment to examine what I believe – and not believe about Christianity – in the last year. No blame on my parents and my former church. It’s me as an adult woman, taking responsibility and not leaning on my indoctrinated past. I’m coming at my faith as if I never heard of Christianity and ask if I actually believe it — and why.

I have the strength to do this now because of the years I’ve spent healing the voice I use towards myself. Talk about an exercise in faith!

Until I could heal the way I spoke to myself on the daily, there wasn’t going to be a connection to my Creator, unless it was some form of begging. That’s not friendship — it’s slavery. Impossible to love the Creator when you hate the creation.

I have clients with enormous success in this world. You name it; they’ve got it — or soon will. Yet many walk around with pieces of themselves scattered in their past, waiting to be claimed. It doesn’t matter how much money or play or media they have – those voices continue to haunt them. I’m not good enough. Why did she abandon me? I’m ugly. Fat. Disgusting. I don’t deserve this. If only they knew who I truly am. I’m so lonely. So lonely. I don’t trust anyone. I can’t let anyone in. What is the point?

We talk about how to gather those parts back – the true union before any other — and learn to speak as if we were the mother who abandoned us, the boyfriend who left or hasn’t arrived, the God we never understood.

Until that voice is healed, there won’t be true satisfaction in this world — and I daresay in a relationship with God, our Creator. Until we can love and speak to this glorious being we carry around every day in love — as if she is our very best, most loyal friend — all other relationships and worldly success will be empty.

Start here: I see you. I will never abandon you. Never! I’m sorry he treated you that way — but I won’t let anyone speak/touch/harrass/hurt you like that again. I’ve got you. You are amazing. I love who you’ve become. You are incredible. So beautiful! So powerful! I’m so proud of you. So, so proud of you. We’re in this together. I’ll never leave you behind again. I’m sorry that I forgot/ignored/was ashamed of you. I love you — every bit! You are an amazing body. You’ve kept me safe, warm and healed. You always look out for me — thank you. I love going on this trip with you — and we’ll be strong to the very end.

You might ask: why the ”we”? Why not just keep it with ”I”?

Healing the voice is letting the strongest part of you — the wise, eternal you — speak to the human you. The many variations of you at different times and ages, especially the ones you’d rather leave behind. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. We become a broken self and then wonder why we can’t sleep without pills, have anxiety attacks or walk around with a pervasive, lonely anger. We blame our parents for fucking us up or that girlfriend who smashed our heart and never took responsibility for the damage. We blame the government and wonder when we’ll ever find the person who really, really understands us.

You’ve got that person. She’s staring at you in the mirror; that beautiful, glorious creation, waiting for you speak to her in love. Waiting for you to say it’s okay, I’ve got you now and I’ll never let go. When you do, watch what changes. Feel the strength when you say those words. Release the tears that become sickness if you ignore them. Remember who you are, child of God.

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