I will not torture myself.

I see only the past. — Lesson 7, A Course in Miracles

Whenever my head starts to spin in unpleasant, unresolved memories, I normally take the ride. Spin, spin, spin. All the unanswered questions. All of the bitter words, the silent resentments. The unfairness of it all!

Why did I say or do that? Why did that person ghost me? Why was I/they such a jerk? (Usually, it’s THEY much more than I…)

On and on and on.

One time I caught my reflection in the mirror, ranting to myself. It stopped me short — unlike all of the other times. This time I realized that all of the horrible words swirling in my head were directed by me — to me. No one else was in the house (or my mind). Just me. The jailer and the key.

Right then and there, I said, I will not torture myself about this any longer.

Whatever the situation, person, memory, trauma: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

For the people who ghosted me or I them: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

For all of the childhood trauma, indoctrination, bullying and abuse: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

For the words I said, didn’t say or wished I’d said: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

For all of the unanswered questions and unresolved relationships: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

For all of the times I was a complete bitch, acting in fear: I will not torture myself about this any longer.

Freedom.

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