2020 is the year of finding God.

During this interview, I mentioned that 2020 would be the year of finding God. To be clear, that is not exclusive to Christianity but as I grew up in the church, this will heavily skew in that direction.

I’m in the midst of my contemplation of God as the world seems to be imploding (it’s not) and my mortality (which is the agreed upon ticket to this earthly ride).

In church, they would call questioning your faith as wrestling with God, working out your salvation or being convicted. Yet I am not at all in doubt of my belief and trust in God and feel as connected as ever to the Divine. Yet I’ve had to face a reckoning of my fundamentalist past; namely, what do I do with Jesus?

I wasn’t a Christian in name only. I was a deeply devoted born-againer and evangelized, as commanded by Christ. I wanted to be a missionary to bridge the gap and save others from hell. I believed in Christ, salvation and saw the Bible as the literal word of God.

Then I discovered my attraction to women in high school and that was the start of the inevitable break from the church. It wasn’t that I wanted to leave; I didn’t fit anymore. The irony now? Love. Sex. Tarot. is regularly on Amazon’s Gender and Sexuality in Religious Studies Top 100 List, nested between all of the ex-gay Christians.

I’d once crack a joke about this but honestly, it just makes me sad. Sad that gay people can’t express who they are, though the argument is that you can be same-sex attracted but not act on it because Christ commands us to follow him. Would Christ want us to be different than who we are? Are gay people extra sinful? Would it make Jesus happy for a lesbian to suppress her desires and marry a man?

I love God — but what do I do with Jesus?

Kanye, Justin Bieber and others are having religious awakenings. Many are finding God in a turbulent time. I have never felt more trusting and calm in my faith — something I rarely felt as a Christian and often was completely terrified. I did not feel the love of Christ that others proclaimed, though I did have what I considered a genuine conversion experience. When I review my past, I haven’t settled on how Christ fits into my life now — and I do believe He is more than an ascended master or spiritual teacher. Yet I see beyond all religion to the powerful force we call God; beyond all names and ideas. That is the God I trust.

I mean, I haven’t even gotten into the matter of my work yet. Double whammy. 😂

I chat about this to God a lot these days. How to assimilate all of the devotion of that 19 year old with the woman I am today. How to accept where I am on my spiritual path and the ways it shapes me. Who I will become in my faith as I grow through this life.

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