Always free.

I off-handedly commented that I was once a good Christian — to which my friend replied, You still are.

Those simple three words provided an immediate reframe. Total illumination. I literally said, Oh my God and realized that my good Christian girl still waited in chapel for me to rescue her.

I’ve mentioned that shamans have helped me understand that there are parts of myself hanging out at the sites of original traumas. The technical term is soul retrieval but I just see it as all of the girls in my past, waiting for me to love them.

And my good Christian girl has waited a long time.

I imagined myself zooming up in a convertible, saying Okay, girl — I’m here. I’ve got you. Come on and get in! We have places to go. I saw that 19 year old who loved God so much and yet believed that because she was attracted to women, God was no longer an option. Gay? Sorry. Church is closed.

Yet she patiently waited for me on that wooden seat with the chipped veneer to say that yes, she is a good Christian and yes, this ride is completely hers and yes, she has always, always been free.

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