How can we recognize what we want, when we’ve never experienced it?
Many clients ride themselves hard during a breakup. They feel as though they are fundamentally screwed up because they couldn’t find the key to keep the relationship going. Yet if we’ve only known dysfunction, abuse, narcissism and emotionally immature parenting, how can we expect to recognize anything different when we strive to love?
We heal, and try again. The relationship is a little better this time. We’re more generous. Openhearted. Thoughtful. Then down the road, it falls apart — because we’re still trying make Mom like us or Dad less angry. We’re left with the question, “Why don’t they love me?”
Perhaps it would be healthier to pray and meditate on future partnerships with the wisdom of not-knowing. Such as, “I have no idea how to find the relationship I seek. I have no idea how to recognize it. I’m grateful for the people who taught me to love myself even more and see what is unrealized in my relationships. But I still have no idea to discover the loves that are healthy and right for my heart. Show me. Make it clear. Illuminate me. I surrender everything I think I need and trust that the right person — even if it’s someone I don’t expect at all — will arrive at the right time.”