A lovely friend asked about a turning point in my life that helped me to “see”. I’m going to expand on that question in my new book but the short answer is that I have the church to thank.
Yes, the church. The villainous evangelical church that cast me aside for being gay and not adhering to their rules of behavior. Bad girl.
The turning point was when I was able to see the church as one of the dominant players who set the bar in my evolution. The devil who made a decent angel of me. It was when I stopped seeing them as evil (the conservative Christian community, a.k.a. born-againers like I once was) that I was able to find peace.
This didn’t happen until I was well into my 30s and began to embrace the notion that I helped create this life — the stage, the players — and that Destiny/Fate was just a plan I drew up pre-body. The church tried and tested me, for sure. I hated my experience for a long time — it was unfair, bullshit, a sin. They were hypocrites and I was the wanderer seeking truth.
But life isn’t neat and romantic like that. Let me play devil’s advocate here. Those in the church were merely following their rulebook. I was the one who turned away from their interpretation of the Bible. Sure, they didn’t love me as I thought they should. Yet the greatest gift they gave was encouraging me to find my true home and not accept their notion of the world. I said, “No” and that’s what granted me the power to leave and never turn back.
What keeps me sane instead of being a wrathful warrior is to accept the jewels those experiences have granted me. How I’ve been tenderized, not hardened. It could have been easy to be a victim and I spent many years holding a hot bucket of anger. When I started to see those devils as decent angels bearing a gift — even if it was under a pile of shit — that’s when life opened up.