I woke up with a stone in the middle of my sternum. Anxiety had come for a visit. This happens sometimes and I usually blame it on peri-menopause and then make coffee.
I wanted to probe this feeling, though — so I pulled out my journal. This habit fell off years ago but I’ve started again. A dear, dear friend of mine just moved out of state and many emotions have been triggered that I’m still adjusting to — and my journal provides comfort like it always has.
A line caught my eye: “Conflict is my playground.” I read it again. Yes. Immediately, my anxiety lifted and I was like, here I am. This is where I belong. Yes.
The conflict isn’t with others — it’s the internal battles and doubts and dreams that I carry. It’s the fertile field where I manifest my greatest success — finding the equilibrium in conflict and peace. It’s like we say in yoga: the place between effort and ease. It’s allowing the conflict and the not-knowing that comes with change. It’s the inner critic playing with the inner child. And it’s also knowing that essentially, all is well and the magic comes from harnessing the power of my desires and what has yet to arrive on the landscape. Even the loss that I feel with my friend is energy I can use to bring in the next experience — friendships, adventure — whatever my heart desires. Conflict is my playground.