My friend the chef said to me yesterday on the phone, “I really admire the way you blend rest and work. It’s a perfect business model.”
I didn’t think she was calling me lazy, so I pressed her for more information.
She continued. “You never let work get before pleasure, and you give yourself space to rejuvenate every day. You know exactly what you need and allow it. If more people did this, it would be a happier world. I see you as someone who knows how to manifest exactly what you want.”
As much as this secretly pleased me, it also made me uncomfortable. Why? Because I’m a nutjob.
My response? “I’m glad that you do, because I don’t see myself that way.”
In the interest of full disclosure, this conversation came directly AFTER the one where she innocently asked about my calendar this week. It’s a light one and I felt defensive answering the question, and slightly ashamed. Rent was just paid and I felt the lightness of the wallet, too.
Big triggers, baby.
But there’s a lesson in all of this, and spiritual teachers pop up to remind me: this is easy. It’s not a big deal. Figure it out but don’t linger there. Move on to richness, as nothing is permanent but a sense of wonder.
That just added to my irritation, but knew that I was at a cuspy spot. The squishy one. It wasn’t time to crank the radio and play with millions of brain scraps. It was time to ask: what the HELL is bothering me about her question? About not having a “full” schedule? About feeling broke when I don’t end up with the expected $$ number at the end of the month?
And it came down to this: I feel guilty, less-than, for not working hard. For being able to take off and play whenever I want, even if the sense of not enough cash, not enough cash nags at me.
I also set myself up. This (whatever “this” is) means success: this amount of cash after I pay my bills, or this amount of clients, or this amount of a nest egg, or this amount of play in the public.
If I don’t meet it, I’m not successful.
Oy, the webs we weave.
It’s about security. My place in the world. And this amount in the bank will somehow make me feel secure.
Then I turn around and say, “Really, Raven? C’mon. You know this gig. You’ve done it many times. Cash is great, and helpful — but it’s not about the cash. What you need always comes. The bills are paid. You eat amazing food, live in a gorgeous space, have a fabulous reputation and work as much or as little as you want. Cash is great. But you’re doing what you love right now.”
Yes. This is true. (Surrounding myself with numerous professional chefs also greatly helps.)
The big-ass pea in my mattress is the idea of nurturance. And pleasure is the plaything of nurturance.
I had a dream where a honeybee struggled in a web. I wanted to free her but knew that the spider had to eat. So, I watched the spider paralyze her and felt sad — but didn’t interfere.
The immediate translation was the sweetness of life being sucked out. When I continued to process the dream with a friend, I remembered that spider is “Creativity” in the Animal Medicine Cards. The bee I viewed as a “worker” bee.
Time to embrace creativity. Time to let the worker bee die.
The truth of the matter is: I’m a full-time healer. Shivaya Wellness fully supports my life. This is a huge accomplishment — and can only keep growing.
Yet, I haven’t allowed much play in life. My responsibility gene has been a driving force – I have to do this because who else will? My numerous moves and relaxed attitude may seem like play to others, but I know my brain. And a taskmaster tyrant has lived there for far too long, telling me that a 40+ hour, bust-my-ass-until-I-exhaust myself week is REAL work and that life isn’t life without constant pressure. Life isn’t life without a full schedule, 100+ unanswered emails and a stream of needs crying from every angle.
Isn’t it time to not be enslaved to our genes? Our belief systems? Our inner tyrants?
Isn’t it time to allow pleasure to call the shots, nurture our hearts and heal our bodies?
Isn’t it time to play?
I think so.
So wonderful. Play is key to life. And the Buddhist perspective is that we are here to smile, play, enjoy. That is the purpose of life. And I’ve found that when we truly enjoy what we do, we don’t work a day in our lives. It comes straight from the heart.
That said, what you mention about rejuvenation between is so important, and to be able to do it with pride and without guilt. I agree, let the worker bee hibernate sometimes, and let the butterfly fly!
Nice blog!
DL
The Buddhists have it right!
Hoo. Just reading that bumps all sorts of triggers. If I do X, Y, or Z – well, that’s just self-indulgent; I need to keep the “real” job, because then I’ll have enough $ to do what I want to do – never mind that after the commute and the work and the commute tiredness wins out over creativity for that evening. And the next, and the next.
It’s not necessary to apologize for taking what time you need to recharge and give yourself the breathing and thinking space to really be present. Hm. It’s really easy to say that to someone else – what I need to do is paste a note to myself on my forehead.
or work it out on a blog like I do….
I can’t tell you how many healers have said to me, “I can’t be a full-time healer because of insurance, family, security, etc.” These are valid fears–but also very limiting.
My struggle comes from only wanting to “work” 10 hours a week doing reads (website stuff excluded). The rest for writing, rest and play. That inner tyrant says, “Work more! You want cash? Work!!”
Let’s face it: there’s only so many readings I can do in a week and if I press myself, will burn out.
I want to play through life. No more “work”. That’s my goal.
And at nearly 42, I’m going to do it.
Hmm. I had to read your post several times before I could formulate an appropriate comment. You know what I see? We are brought up to think that work is drudgery. We are conditioned to believe that if its not hard, we are not meeting our potential. WORK is a 4 letter word. No matter HOW we earn our income as long as we LOVE what we do, then that is all she wrote. The only thing you are guilty of (and many of us) is that if we earn our income from our creative, then its not the same as those earning it from drudgery. Somehow we are ‘playing around’, or worse, its not ‘real’ earnings, just a fluke. Dollar for dollar it doesn’t matter how it gets to you, what matters is do you ‘love’ the WAY it gets to you?
Rose, you always leave such thoughtful comments. Thank you. Yes, it’s the “drudge” factor that certainly comes into play. Hopefully, that’s changing now that more people want to create their lives, rather than follow this outdated “work ’til you drop’ nonsense.